Blood Division
Tekila Slanners 2 – 1 De’d'ver Cold Ones
Greetings match fans,
Last night saw the first outing of the Tekila Slanners vs De’d'ver Cold Ones, at the floodlit Marley Towers Stadium. The De’d'ver Cold Ones were playing in their newly aquired “away” strip of Undercoat Black, and won the toss.
PLAY 1.
Luck seemed to desert the Slanners straight away, and despite knocking down the entire front line of the opponents several times, were unable to make any headway, (or break any bones). The De’d'ver Cold Ones made steady progress, and eventually one of the Witchelves got the ball over the line.
(HALF TIME) (cup of tea, cigarette)
PLAY 2.
The Slanners put the ball in the air to restart the match, then manage to roll “blitz”, and get a free turn before the receiving Elves are ready! A brave Skink “pushes” his move to 10 squares, and catches the ball! Before the Elves organize on their turn little Itzi-bitzi runs it over the line. 1 -1!!! The crowd go wild and inflict scorn on their opposition. Crys of “Oooo aaah star player !” echo round the stadium.
PLAY 3.
Grudges now start appearing. In the final play of the match, there is mayhem in the middle of the pitch. 1 Skink goes down badly hurt, a Saurus retires off with a smashed ankle. An Elf Lineman is also badly hurt, whilst a Witchelf is pushed off the sidelines to be brutally beaten to hamburger by the Slanner Fans (smashed collar bone). But the Slanner steamroller pushes on, taking the ball off the De’d'ver Cold Ones and using testudo formation march it up and over the line. 2-1 !!! and the whistle blows !!!!!!
New Dwarf Giants 0 – 1 Neue Regel
(From our Dwarf correspondent)
A crowd of 17,000 screaming fans welcomed the “Neue Regel” Orc team and the New Dwarf Giants to their first game of the season. The screams could have been down to enthusiasm, or possible misery as a perfect day was spoilt just before kick-off when a torrential downpour arrived over the ground.
The rain and mud certainly seemed to prove more of an inspiration to the Orcs is what turned out to be a surprisingly one-sided game.
A rookie mistake on the first block of the game (a skull – re-roll – another skull) meant that although the NDG received the ball in good field position via a touchback, they made very little headway and the initiative moved firmly to the Neue Regel.
As the Dwarfs attempted to move the ball up the right hand side of the field, they struggled to make progress against a surprisingly solid Orc blocking line. The Regel coach had obviously been chanting ‘The best offence is a good defense’ ad infinitum – the Orc Blitzers and Black Orcs seemed to remember this and launched into a concerted effort which saw numerous Dwarfs pounded into the mud, with both Troll Slayers and a Dwarf Blitzer being sidelined by massive blocks in very quick succession. His pocket collapsing around him, Dwarf Runner Gemviper skipped around two flattened Orcs and made a bid for the line…only to be smashed into the crowd by a piledriver-of-a-block from an Orc Blitzer. The ball was returned by the crowd, but the half petered out as both teams struggled in the mud. 0-0 at half-time.
The second period of play saw a mere 9 Dwarfs return to the field, against the Orcs who were still looking fresh.
The ball was kicked deep into the Orc backfield, and they made rather a mess of gathering the ball in the slippery conditions. However, the outnumbered Dwarfs failed to capitalise on the situation and were soon once again on the receiving end of some brutal hits by the Orcs – Davalann Glorygem becoming the first fatality of the Giants campaign as he fell under a of no less than three Greenskins. Dwarf blocks seemed to simply bounce off the Orc opposition, and Neue Regel easily ran the length of the pitch for a touchdown.
The NDG received the ball with time running out, but now with only 6 fit players on the pitch, had little chance of making a breakthrough. Dwarf Blitzer Dagarkin managed to get himself open, and called for the ball. Runner Gemviper attempted a desperate pass in the face of an Orc Blitzer, only to have the Orc stick out a huge hand – interception! The Regel’s fans joyous celebrations were cut short as time ran out before the Orcs could get across the goaline for a second score.
Final score, 1-0 to Neue Regel, but with the New Dwarf Giants having had a thorough battering.
And from Orc Sportz Newz…
Regel bash Giants in opening game
In their first match of the season Blood Division’s only Orc team violently defeated their opponents, the New Dwarf Giants. The sky was overcast but the weather was dry as the two teams lined up on the field. 17,000 fans were there to see the game, with the dwarves bringing 9,000. Most of the spectators were to leave disappointed (if they made it away from the traditional post-match riot).
As soon as Regel kicked off, the heavens opened to create a muddy pitch and make handling the ball harder. In the first half, the dwarvz held the ball for most of the time, but found it hard to move forward. A series of crunching blocks from the Regel defense pushed the short guys back and the ball carrier had to be surrounded by his team for protection. As the dwarvz tried to get through, several of them were injured as they came up against the Black Orcz in the scrimmage and had to be dragged from play. Towards the end of the half, the Giants runner with the ball tried to make a break for it, but was tackled by blitzer Bobb Zargora and the ball bounced off of the pitch. The loose ball was tossed around the ground by enthusiastic supporters before ending up near the middle of the Regel half. With neither team able to pick the slippery ball from the mire, the half ended with no touchdowns. However, three dwarvz were injured and a fourth lay dead.
For the restart, the Orc coaches screamed instructions to the players, and brought on thrower Smash Davs to lead the offense. Regel concentrated on using their superior numbers on the pitch to terrorize the Giants’ defense, before Davs ambled over to pick up the ball. His steady drive up the right wing, protected by the Regel blitzers, led to a score on the sixth turnover, another dwarf on a stretcher and wild celebrations from the captive Regellettes.
With little time left, Regel kicked off again, keeping Davs on the pitch and setting up a pressing defensive line. The Giants had to work hard to stop their runner from being sacked, and as he tried to throw a forward pass along the wing, Angry J leapt in front of him to intercept. Regel held the ball to the end of the game, and came close to adding to their score before the final horn was blown. In the end, the final result was 1 TD, 1 kill and 4 injuries to nil for the Orcz.
Smash Davs was acclaimed as the most important Regel player on the day. As well as scoring the only touchdown of the game, he took the brunt of Dwarvz attacks in their last desperate push at the end of the game, but emerged unscathed. Honourable mentions go to Angry J for his interception, and to Dargh Murder, Crush Bairns, Garg Kickz Hedz and Krint Damned who each caused severe injuries. Derk Sunder was the name on the lips of most Orc fans, though, as he claimed the only kill of the day and paraded the severed head around the stadium after the game.
After the game, the Regel manager, Missing Jowl, praised his team for their hard work in training and solid performance, saying, “We dun gud. Boyz smash hedz. Win game is fun, but win fight is icing on cake”. Having been criticised in the close season for not signing a troll, he threatened to disembowel anyone who questioned his wisdom or team selection ever again. He then left to join the team in drinking their own weight in beer before they re-emerged to assist supporters in the running battles on the terraces.
Today’s display of brute force looks sure to bring more fans to join the Regel travelling army, and they are eagerly looking forward to more at the next game against the lizardman team, the Beloved of Sobek.
Beloved of Sobek 1 – 1 New Nightmares
It was a glorious sunny day the beloved of Sobek felt confident the heat of the sun warming there scales ,the Al Fayyum stadium glittered with light except for one small group the New Nightshades huddled on the pitch it was the dark lining of an otherwise silver cloud, the Sobek team entered the field to a thunderous roar from the crowd assistant coach hip-no-sis looked on proudly, Annipe the cheerleader started her routine.
The whistle blew and the ball sailed high in the air. ” Badru” (Saurus) leapt at an elf blitzer no3 it said on the coffin later the Sobek team launched a determined attack on the elf line. “POW!” lineelf no9 goes down with a smashed ankle. “Musa” carried on not even bothering to look at the elf he had just gone through .
The half continued but the pitch seemed to be turning into a war zone the sound of the ref’s whistle every few minutes as another elf bit the hallowed turf of the Al Fayyum pitch “ZAP” another line elf goes down – no11 - teeth sailing in all directions. “Fadil” Saurus had accidentally been hit on the fist by her face, the elf assassins tried playing dirty carrying concealed weapons onto the pitch but the light of Sobek foiled there thrusts but the elves managed to get a one nil lead
“Phweeeeeeep” the half time whistle .
In the Sobek dugout water and oranges are passed around with the coach drawing little stickmen pictures on the wall go here he says run there. In the elf dugout they are passing round bandages and asprin.
The depleted New Nightmares set up for the second half and Sobek prepares to receive the ball. By now the Sobek team have got wise to the assassin’s and beat one of them senseless – no6 is carried from the field. The skink “Gahiji” has the ball and with skill and bravery scores the equaliser ,”Azibo” Kroxigor taps lineelf no13 – he just wanted to ask if the usual exchange of shirts would be taking place at the end of the match but unfortunately did not know his own strength. A cry of “Medic!” is heard…a smashed collerbone is the verdict .
With seconds ticking on the clock “Panya” is knocked down and the elf endzone is just too far to reach.
Result: Draw 1 – 1
Gahiji skink of the match as he was able to score.
Our thanks to the New Nightmares for the game. There was very little crowd violence and only one arrest some chap selling dodgy sausages inna bun.
Gore Division
Too Fast Too Feeble 4 – 1 The Gut Droppin’ Saints O’ Wales
Dormut Slavin 1 – 1 Severed Hand
Killer Ducks 2 – 0 Nora Batty Fan Club
League Position after Game One:
